According to the infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters at The Daily Mail, we have apparently offered Alexis Sanchez a new £300,000 a week deal to keep him at The Emirates. This report came out just before they’d finished typing Romeo and Juliet, but messed up the final line so had to start again.

“For never was a story of more woe. Than this of Juliet and her WALLPAPER BANANA”.

Dammit, pesky Caps Lock… [monkey sigh] Chapter One… actually, perhaps they’d just try and just type the final page again, or would they start from the beginning? What about if it was on PC now, these monkeys have probably moved on from typewriters, you’d think so anyway, I mean it is 2017, they’d still have to print things if that was the case, wonder where they’d get their A4 from, do they have it delivered, is one the monkeys a shopper monkey or do they order it online? If so, I wonder how long it would take on of the monkeys to place the order, do they have an account, who set it up, who pays? Perhaps they have a monkey IT department, have you tried switching it off—- Man, this infinite monkey and typewriter scenario is a minefield in itself… what about the toner? …It’s been a long summer…

Anyway, it’s thought Manchester City and PSG are keen to land the Chilean superstar, but Arsene Wenger has already said this summer on numerous occasions that the player will not be sold, and will not be leaving. His new salary would make him the highest paid player in the Premier League, but it remains to be seen whether he’ll accept or be made to run down the remaining year on his contract before he can leave.

Sanchez will be sitting out of tonights opening day clash with Leicester with an abdominal strain, and will also miss next weekend’s visit to Stoke.

Mesut Ozil and Aaron Ramsey, both doubts earlier in the week have both trained along with Jack Wilshere and Coquelin. However, it still remains to be seen who will be available for the game, which kicks off at 745pm tonight, and could see us top or bottom of the league by 10pm. Wenger In/Out* Delete as appropriate.

Here we go again!